Health Organization for Pudendal Education

Hi friends,

I'm struggling with a range of emotions right now. For one, my nanny, who is 20 wks pregnant and started working for me when I had my surgery and gets to bring her 15 month old with her to my house, wrote me a long email stating she doesn't like the way my daughter has been behaving. I can't get into details, but basically it made me feel like a worthless parent. I didn't want to put Athena in full time daycare because I thought being around her some would be instrumental to my healing. However, now there seems to be the battle of the two "mother hens" going on even though I'm not battling. My daughter is just shy of 2 1/2. Every day of her life, my body has been wrought with pain. And now I am facing the real possibility of having my other side done, too.

I'm so overwhelmed. I feel like Athena will be adversely affected by my illness in so many ways. It's not right. Plus, I don't want my kid growing up bratty or thinking she can get away with everything just because Mommy is sick and can't restrain her when she has tantrums or keep getting up off the couch when I'm icing my nerves or heating (70% of day).

I'm just at a whole loss of words, and what to do or say.

I feel like God just keeps piling it on. I am trying to cast my burdens on him and give him my yoke, but I am just so... So done with PNE.

We love you. This is soooooooo tough. I wish I could make it all go away too. I think you have a good plan having A with you because she needs you. When you hurt it is so hard to parent because it takes energy you just don't have. I wish I could give you a big hug... praying for you.

Prayers coming your way...
And AM, many 2 year old girls are strong willed and full of drama, mine certainly was! The nanny is filled with pregnany hormones and trying to protect her 15 month old...fact is, if she had her OWN 2 year old girl she wouldn't be too happy with the 2 year old behavior. Really you are better off if you can find help in the form of a 17 to 25 year old, single with no kids, nanny. I've always used sitters in that demographic and they have the patience to be a playmate to the child. I think you would see a lot of the behaviors disappear if your daughter got that kind of focused attention instead of a demand that she share with a 15 month old.
I'm not sure if it is realistic for you to find someone else, but if so I recommend it.
Parental guilt is one of those universal things for good parents who care about their kids...all of us find some reason to blame ourselves for "ruining" children that are not even really ruined, just acting like kids.
I grew up around mega doses of drugs and porn and violence, and my parents think they did a great job. I noticed this phenomenon when foster parenting too in dealing with bio-parents: the basic rule is, if you are perfectly satisfied with your parenting, it's probably because you are a dreadful parent with no conscience; and if you are constantly second-guessing yourself and feeling like you are not doing a good enough job, you a probably a MUCH better parent than you think.
now saying some prayers for you AM!

Hang in there, AM. This too shall pass. There's a reason for the phrase "terrible twos". Kids know when they are loved. In the long run,that's what matters.

Hello, Sweet AM,
You are having such a hard time! I can't imagine how difficult is to have this condition, trying to recover and care for a toddler. I personally KNOW what a fantastic Mom you are. For what it's worth, I think it's very generous of you to allow your nanny to bring her child with her to work. Yes - you're paying her to do a job. Maybe it's too difficult for her to handle two small children? I understand that you feel inadequate as a full functioning parent. I wish you didn't, but I do understand! I think most us feel inadequate as full functioning anything is concerned - without even adding a 2 year old into the equation. But I agree with HM and Don: They don't call 'em the "terrible two's" for no reason! Very difficult time in the best of circumstances! I also agree with HM that maybe it may be best to try to get someone else, perhaps on a recommendation, that may be better suited to deal with the kinds of issues and provide the type of care your daughter needs.
I wish I were there to give you a warm, gentle hug and reassure you that everything will be alright. Please know my thoughts are with you.
With love and hugs,
Karyn

Try daycare. Just try it. You can always stop it if she's doing poorly. She might just be at a point where the extra stimulation and guaranteed exercise on an indoor playground are exactly what she needs. I'm not sure it's fair to her to use her at home as "an instrument in your healing". Just as there are a lot of stresses on you, there are stresses on her. She might really benefit from something as simple as getting more tired out every day, and daycare is really great at providing structured days that help kids of that age to control their impulses.

I think the nanny is probably finding it hard to keep up with two toddlers with a growing middle, doesn't understand your pain situation, may be hormonal, and is probably thinking if she can't control your child it's going to undermine her authority with her own child. For her, it's not a good work situation at all. She really should be having children come into her own home rather than trying to be your hired assistant with you there, and manage her own child. It may even be very confusing for Athena that you are there, but not responding to her as she needs you to.

Best of luck with whatever you do next for childcare.

While I feel very sorry for you at the moment, I have to agree with what Celeste has said to you and also think that perhaps Athena may respond to the stimulus in a childcare environment; kids need other kids to learn socialisation skills which no parent can provide. It may do her no end of good to learn to share with others and interaction with her own peers will be a good learning curve and will act as a basis for preschooling.....a little discipline is not a bad idea and the terrible twos are not an easy time to manage for the two year old or the parent. If you can send A to a nursery even for a few days a week, it may give you a chance to heal and especially after your planned surgery you will need this calm time...A will have a chance to use her endless energy in a controlled environment with her peers. i dont think that you being ill will have a long lasting effect on her though so please dont beat yourself up about this.

Best wishes

I'm so sorry this has happened AM. You know you aren't a worthless parent and that's what really matters. I really understand your worries and fears as my daughter is just a year behind A. Being a mommy to a toddler and dealing with chronic pain is just plain HARD and nobody can understand it unless they've done it! I too worry about my daughter growing up an only child and being selfish and bratty. But no amount of socialization is going to fix that is it? Only God can change our selfish hearts and take away our sin through Jesus I know it's hard, but try not to worry about how A will "turn out" in the future because of living around your pain. God is so much bigger than that. Maybe A will be a much more caring and merciful person because of your influence. God's got a purpose for your life and your family and right now that purpose includes PNE. And no matter what the future holds remember His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:7-10) and his plans are for your life are good Jerimiah 29:11, Romans 8:28 (which is probably one of my favorite verses) you can rest assured that all of this will work out for good whether you are healed or you have to deal with PN the rest of your life. That promise keeps me going day after day.

I understand your feelings that A would be instrumental to your healing. My daughter gives me a reason to get up some mornings because she needs my care! I too don't want to put my daughter in day care especially not just any day care. Have you considered looking into a Christian pre-school? I don't know if you have any in your area, but even in our small town we have one and they take kids as young as 2. I don't know if they would accept someone mid-calendar year, but it's possible. I would love to send my daughter to ours, but we can't afford it unfortunately.

Needless to say, I am praying for you as you know. Please feel free to call or email me if you'd like.